What's in the Hatch? The Don'ts

We sort through the galleries of hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party and Misshapes so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday morning. Enjoy.

As Fashion Week and the CMJ Music Marathon came to a close in New York, we were left with a mighty river full of struggling salmon to snatch up in our jaws. As usual the selections were tough, but for the second straight week this could have easily been a Top 20 had we the time, patience, and desire to put forth the effort. Ah well, c'est la vie. Now on to the freaking list!

10) Misshapes. Sept. 17, 2005 photo #062: Making fun of the headband trend is nothing new or original around these parts, but have you ever seen a simple band of cloth turn an otherwise normal-looking person into such a complete freak quite like this? Good God man, her head looks about three-feet-long. It's like Buster Poindexter taken to a new level. She's like a Conehead without the four hours of reading magazines in the makeup trailer every morning while they affix the prosthetics. For all those Creationists in our midst, how can you deny evolution now? Evidently the new species of human, with a cranium the size of a watermelon to fit the far-advanced brain, has already evolved and can be seen dancing up a storm of retarded dust in the West Village every Saturday night. So fuck off, Trent Lott.

9) The Cobrasnake. Los Angeles Martes photo #8591: If someone doesn't stop now, well ... they're going to end up looking like Elijah Wood. Oh fuck it's too late!!!!! Save the rest, damn it!!

8) Misshapes. Sept. 17, 2005 photo #115: Medical researchers at the University of Illinois at Champlain didn't think it could be done, but after $7 million in grants, numerous failed studies and years of dedication of everyone involved, they finally managed to fashion an entire human head out of cocaine. Way to go, team!

7) Misshapes. Sept. 17, 2005 photo #138: In a Blue States Lose first, we're selecting a Don't entry not based on clothes or "the look." As a matter of fact, none of that stuff is even visible on the person. How is this possible, you ask? Well, have a seat and we'll tell you a little fable of an enchanted forest far far away...

6) Last Night's Party. The Hook photo #0773: Once you get beyond the leotard (it takes a while), you can't help but realize that there's something radiant about this photo. There are serious religious and spiritual undertones and implications going in. It's like the picture is reaching out to you and saying, "Yes. This is why God hates fags."

5) Misshapes. Sept. 17, 2005 photo #023: "No dude, I swear, I met him. Yeah, Ferguson from Clarissa Explains it All! No, he's totally cool now! He grew his hair long, and he's, like, living in Williamsburg and designing his own clothes and everything. It's totally amazing. He's got this whole African tribal elf thing going on. He's a genius. Yeah, we're gonna party in his loft after hours tonight."

4) Last Night's Party. Synthetic Pleasure photo #0176: "Fear not, my darling, for I will sell my golden eyelids-and deal with a pain most intolerable and cruel!-if it will be enough to bring you peace, happiness and a new set of eyebrows. Just, uh ... don't repay me like that."

3) Last Night's Party. Synthetic Pleasure photo #0038: Well well well, look who we have here. If it isn't our old friends, One-half Nelson and Laidie Magenta. You know, when your borderline-disfigured tongue is the most normal-looking thing about you, it's time to head back to the drawing www.jasminlive.mobi board. Just sayin'.

2) Last Night's Party. Synthetic Pleasure photo #0118: We're not quite sure which is more insulting to black people. This...

1) Last Night's Party. Synthetic Pleasure photo #0395: ...or this. Oh wait, definitely this. Definitely, 100%, without a doubt, this. You know, we hate to admit it, but it's kinda gotten to the point where we sorta wish some of these people were dead.

T.G.I.Don'ts

We sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party and Misshapes so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday morning. Enjoy.

When the most freakish, retarded people in music get together, It's like a freakish, retarded Mt. Rushmore. Just had to tell you that.

10) Last Night's Party. Twice Bitten, Not Shy photo #5158: One of these days this girl's going to wake up and realize that she has the Alkaline Trio's logo tattooed on her body for the world to see. And you know what? We'd pay five, maybe six dollars to see the reaction on her face. Pop punk is a slippery slope, y'all.

9) Last Night's Party. Twice Bitten, Not Shy photo #5132: We killed them off with disease, turned the leftovers into alcoholics and stole their land from out under them. They keep insisting on "No, no, just one more dance, we swear." Frankly, we're not sure who got it worse.

8) Misshapes. October 1, 2005 photo #009: Ever wondered what would happen if a polar bear fucked a leopard? Easy: malnourished children.

7) Misshapes. October 1, 2005 photo #060: When you think about it, Leotard Fantastik really should be granted a pass this week. After all, he's showing us a new look. Plus, we have the shocking-albeit very very welcome-addition of jazz hands into the https://www.chaturbaterooms.com/ repertoire. Thanks for breaking character just for this picture, old chum, but we would be remiss in not noting that you've finally been outed as a leprechaun. One apparently assigned to protecting the Bride of Frankenstein. Tough break, but we admire your dedication and perseverance.

6) Last Night's Party. Beauty Pageant, NYC photo #4370: In literature, art, film and other cultural forms of expression, black and white have always been traditional symbols of good and evil. Here, black and white both pretty much represent choking to death on your own chunky vomit. Warning: short-shorts.

5) The Cobrasnake. Drop Dead Darling photo #7434: In the ultimate stab at hipster credibility, Britney Spears feasted on her newborn spawn, consuming its flesh in the most unholy of sacrifices. Then she ditched the zero and got with the ... well, jury's still out on that one.

4) Last Night's Party. Beauty Pageant, NYC photo #4409: At first you're like, "Wow. OK. Hmm. Let me concentrate on this for a few minutes." And then right when you think you've got it all figured out it's like WHA-BAM and you're back to square one. Kinda like those dudes who try to crack the code in the bible or the stock market, only with 95% more eyeliner.

3) The Cobrasnake. Drop Dead Darling photo #7488: The calculations are in, and the ratio to how fucking awesome this dude thinks he looks to the reality of exactly what's going on here is so staggering that Stephen Hawking just put down his #2 pencil, got up out of his crippleseat, stormed out of the room and repeatedly screamed-in broken English, mind you, but still-"Error not compute! Error not compute!" You should have seen the look on that dude's face. It was fucking adorable.

2) Last Night's Party. Rated X Returns photo #3800: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance.

1) Last Night's Party. Twice Bitten, Not Shy photo #5122: You know what's funny? Muslims over there in Crazyworld get all bummed out and bent out of shape because of the degrading and embarrassing shit we put them through, like making them take off their shoes in public and shaving their beards and putting dog leashes on them and shit. Dudes, quit fucking complaining. Why not check out the shit that our own people are doing to themselves, for nothing other than shits and giggles! Kinda puts shoving your precious little Koran down the toilet in perspective, no? Why not spend a Saturday night Downtown and then see what you'd classify as "torture."

Suckers

LAist announces an event at West Hollywood's O-Bar tomorrow night in honor of the eaterie's 2nd anniversary:

Tomorrow night West Hollywood's trendy O-Bar celebrates their second anniversary by putting you, the customer, in charge of pricing. It's a whole new spin on prix-fixe, because you're doing the fixing! They will be offering the entire food menu for whatever price customers feel they should pay for the evening. Menus will be presented without prices, and the check will be presented with blanks next to the listed items. Guests will simply write in the amounts that they wish to pay. Any amounts paid over the actual price will be donated to a children's charity. Kind of the like the Price is Right for hip eateries. Just be sure to remember to tip your waitress!

We will give you one dollar.

Your Mission: Survive the Night

Back when Mission opened up on the Bowery nearly three years ago, Lockhart Steele hit the nail on the head on his old Below 14th blog (oh, the memories!), pointing out how ridiculous and awful it was that a nightclub would name itself after a homeless shelter located a few doors down. Those words always ring in our head whenever we walk by the horrible www.livejasmin.cc club, as we ponder whether the owners just needed a name in a pinch or if they were intentionally trying to mock the homeless in some sort of, "Haha, we're co-opting the name for the sake of irony" kind of way.

Well, if the inspiration was the latter, the joke's on them and their chic little tushies. Because after a rape, brawl and murder in the past week, which place would you feel safer hanging out in? Maybe the Bowery Mission should consider a name change to distance itself from the club.

And in an unrelated yet related topic, does the recent stabbing death outside the Bowery Ballroom-just a Cristal toss from Mission-mean that the Bowery is up to its 19th Century tricks? Is NYC, as Gawker would say, EDGY again?

The Official ToTC CMJ Wrap-up

Better late than never, right? After taking it hard to the CMJ Music Marathon all weekend, we'd be remiss in not providing some sort of summation. Those who did us right deserve the free publicity, of course. With that said, here are out Top 5 Most Awesome Things About CMJ 2005, selected in a very scientific way: so that we can completely rely on photos from Central Village's Flickr photostream. That dude gets around, eh? It may be weird that several of our favorite moments involve clothes in one way or another, but do recall that it was also Fashion Week in New York during CMJ, so our minds were on a lot of other fabulous things. Oh yeah, and this is being done in Safari on a Mac so the spacing probably looks all fucked up on other browsers. Bare with us.

5) David Bowie's Summerstage Costume

Everyone expected Bowie to come on stage at Central Park for the Arcade Fire's encore, but holy shit, who was expecting that outfit? If you looked at that playing-a-Colombian-drug-lord-in-a-very-special-episode-of-Miami Vice get-up and your heart didn't burst with love for the man, well, then you have no heart. Definitely got the CMJ ball rolling.

4) De Novo Dahl's striped pajama uniforms

We love a band in uniform. We had never heard these guys, and their first-on-the-bill standing at the Cake Shop's all-day affair on Saturday afternoon did nothing to enthuse us. But the show got started late, and boy were these Nashville power popsters a pleasant surprise. The black-and-white photo doesn't do them justice, but the various members were all in red-and-orange striped outfits. The flimsy pants were pretty tight, meaning that while the chick in the band was fairly hot, you couldn't help but be distracted by the lead singer's ginormous bulge. Was he even wearing underwear? Yikes.

3) The back sweat on the lead singer of Silversun Pickups

These guys played the Fader lounge, meaning they had a 20-minute set in a not-very-crowded venue with ample air conditioning and plenty of cold refreshments. And yet, look at the fucking back sweat on the guy. THAT IS HOW HARD THEY SLAYED. Seriously. A four song routine and the dude looks like he just clocked in at under three hours at the Boston Marathon. Needless to say, can't wait to see these guys again. Heavy as shit, mother fuckers!

2) The singer of Voxtrot's old and tattered Beat Happening T-shir

CMJ is all about being surprised, and this was a pleasant one. You would think a Brit-jacking Austin band would wear Smiths Ts or Stone Roses or something, maybe ironic Oasis gear. But busting out the vintage Black Candy number-complete with gigantic K Records logo on the back-makes us love them even more. Unabashed unhip influences are always a plus in our book. Well played, Voxtrot.

1) The Neckface tag on a van parked outside the Northsi

Not related to music in any way, but holy shit. We don't know which band at the Dim Mak showcase this van belongs do, and we don't care. What we do know is that they should release a DVD of footage of peoples' facial expressions when they're driving on the highway and pull up next to this tag. It's probably like that episode of Seinfeld when Putty has his face painted like a devil and gives that old lady a heart attack. The stunner of CMJ, for sure.

Best thing about CMJ not pictured on Central Village's Flickr photostream

Bun B's custom "Pray 4 the Hurricane Victims" shirt was on point yet still ghetto fab. A tough combination to pull off, for sure. Oh yeah, and his high-energy, rapid-pace half-hour set at Southpaw with Diplo on the deck s was straight gully, who are way cooler than us would say. They like the ones who work at Fader, where this picture was ganked.